My heart is full

Today was an important day for me. It's too personal to really blog about, but I just had to get it off my chest somehow.

Things that are on my mind today:

Christ is my Savior. The Atonement is real. The Priesthood is truly God's power on earth.

And I am grateful.

Short heartfelt thought of the moment

I really should go to bed, but I just had to say.

I miss having a priesthood holder in my life.

I'm making a lot of decisions right now that are important to me, and I wish I had a male authority figure in my life who I could turn to and rely on to be guided by the spirit to give me direction on where I should go. I frequently find myself trying to fill this fatherly void, but there's really nothing like having the real thing. It was just this week that I realized that I actually had this empty space, possibly because I never did rely on my dad for counsel like I might have. It's days like these that I think that my life was probably more messed up than I realized at the time.

And with that, I am going to bed.

(for any who may stumble upon and read this and not know what I'm talking about, you might check out mormon.org and get some questions answered)

(and as a short disclaimer, I am in fact happy and healthy and strong and emotionally sound, so don't anybody think I'm some wreck or anything. Just pondering is all :) with a little wishful thinking)

Another year gone

Well it's the end of another school year. Finals week, moving out again. It's been an interesting year. I've learned so much.

I need to get to some papers I'm writing for projects due this week, but I just wanted to post the big news.

I've found my soulmate. (and no, I don't mean Megan)

He just doesn't know it yet.

This is the conversation I just had with my bishopric counselor about him. I feel it's hilarious enough to share here.

Me

dear brother v

i have found my soulmate

(besides megan)

11:20amL

hello friend

what? Is he in Provo? I hope not

11:21amMe

no

L

now you have started it, you must finish. Who is it?

11:22amMe

his name is (edited for secrecy purposes)

11:22amL

serious? He's a great guy.

11:23am

does he know that you have made this eternal connection?

11:24amMe

no, i am waiting for him to realize how fantastic i am and fall madly in love with me

11:24amL

shouldn't be a problem

gtg to a meeting. Good Luck with the wooing of Brother (insert last name of soulmate here).

It's edited, obviously. So having been told that wooing him shouldn't be a problem, I'm ready to see what damage I can get done before he moves away for the summer. It will have to be continued next fall, unfortunately. But I am just ready for summertime right now! Most likely the next time I post (which will be the long awaited post about the people I met in Tijuana, just for you Missy!) it will be summertime.

Maybe it will have stopped snowing here by then as well (that would be super appreciated).

My trip to TJ- day 6 and the drive home!

Day 6- Friday- Last day

Missy was so saddened by my lack of blogging that I decided to get on top of it for her sake. This is a sad day to blog about though! After some drama with the vehicles/who had what keys, we headed over to Ellie's house to do as much work in our last day as we could. Some worked on rebuilding the tire retaining wall along the edge of her property that was against a gully where the floods earlier that month had washed out a lot of material.

We all felt like pretty legit mexicans after having mastered the skill of making tire retaining walls. Okay, I never got the hang of it, I mostly helped out shoveling dirt into wheelbarrows to use for filling in the wall. The other half of our group at Ellie's house was working on an addition we put in onto the house.

The bottom part was laid on Monday and Tuesday, the upstairs front half was framed Wednesday and Thursday, then they framed the back and boarded up the front Friday. It was fun to work with some of the kids I hadn't been able to the rest of the week. Some of the kids were at the orphanage putting together the bunk beds that had been made during the week, a few were at Padre Jaime's doing the outside of the housing for the school there, and a few worked on digging the hole for the septic tank still.

We were lucky to be at the house, because Brent bought us all paletas from his ice cream amigo.

After this we went and ate at the clinic and got ready for the beach! It was a colder day, and so I didn't really plan on getting into the water at all. I was glad we'd gone to the beach Thursday when it had been a lot warmer. We went south, to Rosarito, to a small open beach area.

Erin and I had fun goofing around on the beach. We were trying to get a good cartwheel picture, but ended up with some handstand ones instead.

We all really enjoyed being able to take off clothes and soak up some sunlight into our poor, wintery white skin!

We made a sand castle, complete with all of the things a mexican castillo would need! --taco stand, soccer field, seashell hot tub, water slide, trap door, and moat.

We buried Jason in the sand.

We collected a bunch of seashells to take home too. In all, it was definitely a good traditional beach-day holiday.

After we shook off all the sand, we drove in to Rosarito and did some shopping at the market there. It was a bit of an adventure, since one of the 15 passenger vans broke down, so we had to fit everyone into the other two vehicles. After shopping, we headed back into Tijuana, to go to the LDS meetinghouse for a party that a local member was having for us. We hit some hard core traffic, and we got to keep ourselves entertained so we didn't lose our minds-- cramped up in the vans, starving, tired, sandy, going between too hot and too cold (terrible air movement in those vans I tell you) and just being worn out in general. We made it back to the clinic, and some of the kids changed, and we headed over to the church (I got to pick up my car at Mirna's house on the way as well!). It was very much worth going to the church, we had these super super delicious tostadas, and got to see some of the locals for the last time. We went back to the clinic and had a little devotional, which was super cool, and then got started on the cleaning that needed to be done before we could head out. I was in charge of the cleaning, but I was worn out to the point of apathy, so luckily Andy, Mandy, Sheridan, Ise, Erin, and Hailey did a great job of just cleaning anything I pointed at. I have no idea where they got that energy and ambition from, but I was glad that I wasn't having to prod anyone to be productive 'cause I sure wasn't up to that!

Erin was dancing down the dry-floor-area runway, but stopped to yell at someone to not walk between the chairs, where it was recently mopped and still wet.

Eventually I collapsed into bed, not looking forward to finishing cleaning, packing, and then the long drive the next day...

Day 7- Saturday- All good things must come to an end

We rose early Saturday morning and started cleaning up our room and the rest of the upstairs of the clinic. This is the room I stayed in. You can see Madi in the corner, next to her bed which was up against the wall. At the foot of her cot was the door way with shower curtain into the bathroom. Against the far wall was where Hailey's cot had been, then you can see my ground mat where I slept, a standing groundmat where the other Erin slept, then the brown blanket and some space at the head of where Shelby and Chantel slept. It was pretty tight quarters! Those of us on the ground were prone to waking up spooning with our neighbors.

We mopped the floor behind us on our way out the door, and were homeward bound!

Nearing the border, apparently Andy had forgotten to keep his passport out of his bag--so while we were moving slowly forward, he switched seats with Mandy so she could drive while he climbed out the window, and opened the roof rack, got his bag out, got his passport, put everything back and climbed back in. I'm sure that the mexicans enjoyed watching the crazy americans haha.

We all made it across the border, safe and sound, and everyone in my car fell asleep as we started back north. I watched for a sign telling me to get onto I-15, but never saw one (I'm not the only one who did this! Pretty sure there is a lack of signage!!), so we ended up into Riverside and then took a bunch of toll roads to get onto a highway that took us over to I-15. It was an adventure, but we got to see some pretty coastline and hills of blooming flowers. Ended up costing us some time though. And like 4 bucks in toll fees.

Sheridan and I switched driving again, then stopped in St. George for dinner with Erin's brother, then Provo to get some gas and trade out stuff with my mom again. The last leg from Provo to Logan, Sheridan drove. It was rough! It was about 2:00 am at this time, and we all were so tired! Luckily we made it home safe and sorted out everyone's luggage and into their beds for some much needed sleep after a long week of hard work and play!

Hoping for a return trip: July 10th, 2010!

My Trip to TJ--What I learned

On the way back from Tijuana, we were driving through Vegas and we passed a sign for some hotal that said "Stay with what you love". It had a gorgeous woman lying on a bed in a gaudy hotel room, wearing a ostentatious dress with long gloves--all very elegant looking. It hit me in that moment I read it how ridiculous our society has become. These expensive conveniences have truly become what we love, the things that we refuse to live without. The things that this woman couldn't live without stood out in super stark contrast to the world I had just come from.

I had been to Mexico before. I went on a family reunion to Rosarito, and we stayed in some condo's and went downtown to buy stuff in the shops. This time was totally different. (If you haven't spent time in a third world country, I mean really down in the poverty and with the people, not just in a comfortable place nearby.)

When we first got down there, we were on paved roads and were driving through pretty well developed areas. Then we moved outside of downtown, into where Ellie lived-- I believe she told me it was El Rancho de Flores (or as Gordon called it, the valley of the shadow of death)-- and out at the orphanage. I found myself face to face with extreme poverty. And with that, I found myself struggling to suppress feelings of pity-- "these people don't want your pity Erin" I would tell myself. On Monday, working at Abuelita's house, we were playing with Denise and Santiago, and Todd had a water bottle that he was squirting the kids with. As I looked around, seeing a kitchen built up with wire frames and a refrigerator door making part of the wall, sewer lines comprised of 4 in' diameter PVC pipes that stuck out of the eroding hillsides in places, I couldn't believe how different these two kids childhood was different from my own. Denise giggled as Todd squirted her again, and I realized that these kids had never run through the sprinklers on their front lawn on a hot summer day-- they didn't even have a front lawn. I wondered if they even had swimming suits. It was overwhelming! "How," I wondered, "could these kids even call their younger years a "childhood", if they haven't ever run through the sprinklers?!" And yet they were SO happy. It didn't make sense. "If only they knew what they were missing out on. They are naive; they don't know any better." Again, I looked down in pity.

I spent the first 3 days working harder and longer than I believe I've ever worked in my entire life. I worked along side natives, somewhat embarrassed by how weak and prissy I'm sure I seemed to them. As I was being physically worn down, my language skills began to come easier. I had taken a year of Spanish, but had almost forgotten all of it by the time this trip came. I could talk with a few of the locals. I learned more about their individual personalities. I saw each at work, at play, in their homes with their families. I continually was looking at myself from their perspectives, realizing how I must have looked in their eyes.

As we were leaving the second day at the land for the CAF building, the kids who lived across the street and who had been hanging around while we worked had gradual stripped off their school clothing until they were just in their underwear, and had started a water fight using a barrel of water (I'm guessing collected rainwater) and cups. They were squealing and laughing and I almost wanted to join in--all of us were hot and tired from working out in the sun. This time I saw them through new eyes. I stepped off my high horse and instead of looking down in condescension, I saw what a life these kids had even though they weren't surrounded by the worldly goods I had assumed were necessary for happiness. They weren't spoiled. They weren't arrogant, and had no sense of entitlement. They were close to their family, and they really loved each other.

The rest of the week just solidified this feeling. It didn't matter whether these people knew what they were "missing out on" or not, they didn't care. Things weren't as important to them as people. They cared deeply about their families, and even more so about their religion and faith. They knew the value of hard work, and were happy with their simple lives.

As we passed the sign in Vegas, all of these feelings came together and really finally clicked. I had changed. What was it that I loved? I'd spent a week without my phone on me, without a computer and all of the luxuries I expected--all that I'd been cultured to think that I COULDN'T live without.

I wish that our society could get back to these things. Working hard. Less arrogance, more humility. People caring about people. Real homecooked food. Fewer cars--more walking. Gratitude!! These things are so real in every day of the lives of the people I met down in Tijuana. I wish that they were more a part of mine. I want to go back to keep myself from slipping back into my pride and reliance on modern convenience. I want to be more like these people, and I want my future family to be modeled on the kind of families they have. I want to learn how to work hard and be grateful for every little thing I have. It wouldn't have been the same if I hadn't learned these things by really living it--even just the short week I spent down there. And I can't wait to get back!

My trip to TJ- day 5

Day 5- Thursday- I'd totally buy a taco here

Wednesday we were moved to working at the Bishop's house. He is a painter (of portraits, not like of houses etc.), and his wife had a visa and worked in the US to really give them a secure income. Well she was laid off and lost her visa, and now they really need a way to earn money. So, we helped build a food stand on the street next to his house. There is the house, the white door into a kind of cement patio area, a gray concrete wall, and then the unfinished wood of the stand.

Neither him or his wife speak any english, so we had to rely on Is to translate everything for us. It was a super great day though. We sheet rocked the inside of the shack, that Sheridan, Missy and Brent had built and roofed the previous two days. We also painted the outside of it. We had a ton of fun!

This is what it looked like from behind, after Missy, Brent and Sheridan had built the wooden platform floor and framed two walls. The metal door was ripped out, the cement was covered up and a wall built in there.

Painting the street side of the stand, where that metal door once was.

This is the Bishop's dog, which was very very pregnant, that Hailey affectionately dubbed "Prego". The door to the street has no way of opening from the outside, so we would leave it open occasionally to prevent getting locked outside which would require one of the boys to come let us in. Unfortunately, if the door was left open, Prego would always find her way out. Hailey would see her, yell "Prego!! No!!!" and chase the dog back into the yard. It was great. We were pretty sure her bad habit of sneaking out when the door was open was what got her into her pregnant situation in the first place. Hailey suggested that Prego now just wanted to go find the scoundrel who had knocked her up, 'cause he never even came around to visit these days. Regardless, it was pretty funny to see this dog who was ready to pop at any second trying to escape every time we turned around.

Painting some more

I learned that i'm terrible at hammering in sheet rock nails. I think the fact that my arms and hands were exhausted from using a pick axe for the last 2 days might have made it worse than it would have been otherwise. Luckily, the men (Bryan, Is, and Brent) had everything taken care of and us girls just had to sit back and laugh at how funny they are.

Really, I miss hanging out with these kids. But the post about people comes later! Okay, so the Bishop made us lunch, even though Mirna didn't want him to since they are obviously not in a position of having a lot to spare. He made us barbecued meat and mashed potatoes with salad. His wife was who served it to us, and she was so funny, Is told us that she was going off about how he'd wanted to make us American food, but she wanted him to make us real Mexican food, and she thought he was silly I guess for making American food. Regardless, it was AMAZING (as all the food down there was), and we ate like royalty. Seriously, I don't think I've ever had so many strawberries in one day--but they are a lot cheaper down there! We were able to finish up nicely after lunch. Here's the finished shack, from the street.

With the Bishop in front.

He's a really awesome guy! I wish that I knew spanish so that I could have talked to him more, and hear him bear his testimony (which I heard from Missy and Brent was amazing). On the shed next to the shack we put in, were some scripture references. They are about hope in Christ, and just show how much he really loves the gospel.

Hailey, Erin and I in the back of "the beast" going back to the Clinic.

We cleaned up back at the clinic, and then a group of us headed downtown for a second time--and it was a much better experience than the first! I was kind of bummed that I didn't decide to go to Denise's (the little girl in the picture from Monday where we worked on the tire stairs) baptism, which was this evening. It would have been a really awesome experience. Oh well, I can't keep beating myself up about it. Here's Missy and I, eating paletas in Centro.

That wraps up Thursday. I was a lot less worn out--painting is much easier work than digging holes in concrete!

My trip to TJ- days 3 & 4

Day 3- Tuesday- Have you ever dug a hole in concrete?

Tuesday morning we went off to work on a new project on the outskirts of town. We drove clear out (through some areas showing serious lack of proper watershed management, really, I

could help them out with their erosion problems! I even took pictures. I'm too nerdy) to the southwest end of Tijuana. We could see the ocean from where we were working! Our job was to put in a barbed wire fence around the land that will be the site of a future building for Charity Anywhere, since if you don't claim your land fast it will be taken over by others/resold. This process began with digging holes for the fence posts. After about an hour and a half of swinging pick axes, crowbars, and shovels into soil that resembled concrete, our local helper, Julio, saved us by delivering a jack hammer.

That's right, jack hammer.

What kind of holes in the dirt require a jackhammer?!?! Well after that, things went a bit faster. Plus since the boys were mostly in charge of doing the jackhammer, the girls were either helping shovel out loose rocks as the guys went or working on the top layers of a few holes that were softer soil. Instead of doing the original 50 post holes that were planned for, we did about 16. We put a post in each hole (which was depressing to go around filling back up holes so quickly that had taken such a very long time to dig out...) and pretended like we knew how to string barbed wire around the bottom part way around the fence.

We were super super tired at the end of the day. We didn't know it then, but the next day us girls couldn't use our fingers or close our hands into a fist without it hurting. This is us relaxing at the end of the day, waiting for Julio or Mirna to come lead us back to the clinic.

From left to right- me, Hailey, Erin, Is, Courtney, and Bryan

Tuesday night we had a surprise birthday party for Stephanie, that she shared with some of the other kids who have March birthdays. It was a great dance party, complete with lights set up and DJ, and we had lots of cake and a pinata. We played musical chairs, danced on a rooftop, and even did the "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" line dance when he happened to play that song. This is Ellie, dancing with the pinata.

After that, we stopped at the taco stand just down the street from the clinic. I had a great time with a new fabulous friend I made. I'll talk about her later; I think I'll add a post titled "People" after I'm done with days. That wrapped up Tuesday evening!

Day 4- Wednesday- Bryan, you can't just make your own road!

Wednesday, we got sent back out to our fence to finish the barbed wire and add a few posts to make it that much more accurate to defining the land that was purchased. Luckily, because we had a lot less to do, we finished pretty early on.

When Mirna came mid-morning, we asked what we should do when we were finished. She gave us permission to have Julio show us down to the beach, which the kids from the neighbors who'd been playing with us over the two days had told us was reachable by the road we were on via bicycles. So we finished the fence (with the help of Julio, who instructed us how to REALLY string barbed wire) and packed up all the extra poles and the equipment.

We took it over to Julio's property and unloaded it there. Then we started a mini-adventure. Julio took us out of the valley we were in, into the next valley over.

Did I mention Julio is one of the craziest little mexicans I've ever met? That's his car. The loudspeaker was usually playing some advertisement, that Is said was for a rodeo or something carnival kind of thing. Sometimes he would play music on it. Sometimes he would yell stuff at us over it. Other times he would play chicken with other mexicans and yell taunts at them over it. Well we follow Julio over some crazy hills to a highway going along a cliffside down to the ocean, with a little pull out. Julio hops out of the car and practically skips over to our car and is like "see look, ocean!" We all look at Julio with disbelief. "Tocar Julio!! Queremos tocar la mar!!" we say to him. "Oooh!" He says. "Beach? Sandy Beach?" "SI Julio! Beach!!" So he motions that he will lead us somewhere else. Back in the car, back over the crazy hills, through a toll road (where he stole like 10 bucks from Bryan, pretty sure he never gave him back the change). 20 minutes later (as we're all thinking "I thought the beach was just down the road from where we were... this was NOT supposed to take this long...") we park at the Tijuana Playas.

Our group FINALLY at a beach after staring at the ocean longingly for two long days!

It was very very fantastic. After playing around on the beach for a bit, we had Julio take us back to the Clinic. We then walked down the street to a little shop and had some ice cream (paletas), courtesy of Is. After that, we decided to head over to Ellie's house to see how they were doing there, and if they needed our help. So Bryan starts heading off south, convinced that he knows the way to Ellie's. I pipe in that I can't remember exactly how to get there, but I don't think we're going the right way. We end up in the right valley, but at the south end--as if we were heading to our work site. I say oh well okay, this road by the river will take us up to Ellie's house, this is how Gordon brought us out of the valley on Sunday when we took the refrigerator to her place. However, Bryan's car isn't looking like it can make it down this road (I have NO idea how Gordon took the 15 passenger van down it). So we turn around and head back, all of us expecting Bryan to retrace the way back up to the rim above the valley to look for the more northerly road into the valley. But instead of turning left to head back, he goes right. We are all like "uuhhh.. Bryan?" and he insists that he will find a road above the one we are on, on the west side of the valley, that will get us there. The rest of us know that this is absurd. He continues on, and turns onto a higher road. "Bryan, you can't just make your own roads!" exclaims Courtney. I laughed so hard. Well, in the end, he turned around and headed north and found the other road and I didn't have to strangle him. Well we didn't do much at Ellie's house. Then we went back to the Clinic, and a group of us went from there to the LDS church house where some of the youth were having a kind of Mutual activity, playing soccer and eating elotes.

Unfortunately, there were a lot of people buying the elotes, and Missy and I were at the end of the group, and the corn hadn't had as long of time to cook. Hers was pretty undercooked. Which was unfortunate. But mine was pretty tasty! And watching the boys play soccer was super fun.

After that we went home and collapsed into deep, exhausted slumber! (Possibly after talking way way too late. Or it might have been one of the other nights. Or a couple of the nights. It's all a blur now).