Thursday, October 23, 2008

i hate waiting

do you ever feel like you are just waiting for your life? i do. maybe it's just my type A personality. but i am always looking so much into the future that i sometimes forget to enjoy the present. it's unfortunate. right now i am waiting for my biology test tomorrow morning. i wish i could just take it and get it over with so i can find out my score. and i'm waiting to find out how i did on the geology test last week that my TA didn't grade in time to get it back yesterday. one that i don't like to tell people: i'm waiting to fall in love. 

i hate that i keep coming back to love. i'm so SICK of love. the week before i moved up to school, my dad told my mom that he was leaving. his job at a prestigious university, the church we all belong to, and her. us. i really wasn't okay at first. i'm doing better. but i'm still not as okay as i want to be. i feel like i have serious baggage now. i'm a mess emotionally all the time. i wish i could just be normal and happy again. but at the same time, i don't think i'd be happy with him back. since my sophomore year of high school i knew that something was wrong, and i wasn't really happy then. but i guess this is worse. but i don't want to go back either.  so forward it is. even though it seriously sucks. and now falling in love just looks like the biggest risk you can ever take, and i don't want it to be that. i don't want to be left. but i want to fall in love. i want my happily ever after already. i'm just not sure whether or not it really exists.

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